They’re in the Stars by Franco Machado-Pesce
We used to do everything together. So when he disappeared, I vanished too.
I’ve read the stories about people who’ve lost their loved ones in the newspaper, never on purpose though. My eyes would circle around all the words on the paper and suddenly land on them. Their pain, despair, and sadness, always crept from the text to touch my heart with its eager claws. The cruel chill gave me goosebumps every time. Then my mind would whisper for me to be sympathetic with the naivety of thinking that I knew what they were going through, but I didn’t. And then I had to say goodbye.
It’s so much worse than they say.
When you lose someone you love, it’s as if life becomes this sociopathic monster that rips away a piece of your soul, leaving a dark, black hole.
A hole that just grows and grows.
I became a hollow caste of a person I once was. The happiness that would cruise through my body diminished like vapor. The photographs of joyful memories transformed into tearful mementos. I was alive, but lifeless. Even my parents begged the sky to give back their Cathy; it had already taken one child, so they pleaded for it to spare the other.
No matter how hard they tried to be positive around me, I could always sense the tension underneath. Parents are terrible at hiding their emotions. All it took was one glance from one to the other at the dinner table and I already knew that they were terrified. Terrified that I would be taken too. I hated it. There’s nothing worse when being at the pinnacle of fear and sorrow, than having people feel bad for you. It’s a noble pity that although well-intentioned, makes everything worse.
Especially when I couldn’t be taken, because I was already lost. Disoriented in my own little world, until I met Jacob.
His first words to me where: whoa, who died? And after a few beats of silence, I laughed. I laughed because although he didn’t know what I was going through, it was the first time someone told me the truth. He didn’t prance around the fact that I had lost my brother. Instead his unintentionally cruel joke gave me a sense of reality. And it was refreshing. I introduced myself with a smile, something I thought I had forgotten how to do, and said, hi, I’m Cathy.
From then on, Jacob always knew what to say and when to say it, but I never told him about my brother. He didn’t need to know that just yet.
We quickly became friends and he unknowingly became my compass. His laughter and lighthearted spirit would always lead me out of the shadows. I felt better with him.
Jacob was attractive in his own little way, and it was especially emphasized by his charm. He wasn’t an Adonis or even a close-second, but he didn’t need to be. His smile was beautiful and his average-looks just made him cuter. His voice was serene and smooth. I still think that he might be an undercover singer, but he won’t admit it. Jake’s brown curly hair was always purposefully ruffled. His jean-jacket always half open to reveal his favorite green flannel.
“You look like a lumberjack,” I said.
“Uh yeah,” he retorted, “if lumberjacks were cool hipsters.” Jacob popped up and did a short catwalk, pose and everything. I couldn’t help, but laugh again. The first time we hung out, it was at the beach. Jacob had just moved to Avery City and apparently Iowa doesn’t have beaches.
“I mean, it’s not like they don’t exist there,” he would explain, “they’re not real beaches. You know?”
“So- what do you think?” I asked, trying to be as normal as possible.
“Honest?” Jacob leaned back, pensive. I nodded. “I think I like the sound of the waves, more than looking at the ocean. Is that weird?”
“Why would that be weird?”
“I don’t know,” Jacob looked beyond the ocean, staring at the golden sun as it started to dip into the water, “I just guess that people say that the beach is perfect. That it's the most gorgeous thing they've ever seen. As it’s a heaven or something. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice, but it’s not what people make it out to be.”
“Nothing ever is.” I looked down and misery started to shake my bones as I remembered the newspapers.
“Oh? I beg to differ.” Jacob turned his head and stared at me. His welcoming brown eyes inviting me to stare back.
“Have you ever seen a sky full of stars?” I shake my head, embarrassed. “Now that, is something to look at. The difference is though, that it’s so beautiful that it leaves you speechless. People can’t mess it up even if they tried.”
“I guess I need to see it to know,” I glance away, my spine tensing up. Without having to say another word, I look up to see Jake staring, observant. He gives me a soft smile and then starts searching.
“There!” He points to my left and at the tip of his finger is a cliff. He slowly gets up and holds out his hand. I hesitate, confused. “Well? Come on, then.” With no second to waste, Jacob gently pulls me up and we run. The wind blew my hair back, causing each strand to stroke my cheek. With each step that sunk into the sand, my grief deteriorated. By the time we got to the cliff, I couldn’t even remember why I was sad. It had vanished quicker than our footprints. Those were still sharply formed on the sand.
I looked onto the horizon and noticed that the sun had finally submerged underneath the ocean. Jacob tugged on my sleeve and when I looked at him, I saw him for who he was: a young pure-hearted boy, untainted by life's malice. Innocent. Then, he pulled me forward to the edge of the cliff. Vertigo made my head wobble, but his arms tightened around mine. I felt safe. I lifted my gaze to see him standing there, sturdy and determined. He was fearless.
And it was because he was so innocent.
For that moment, all the thoughts that haunted me over the last couple weeks were nothing more than that- thoughts.
Night finally set and we laid on the grass. One by one, white stars appeared amidst the blackness. Jacob was right, there were no words. Nothing could do it justice.
“Did you know that we can only see the stars after they die” Jacob’s eccentric voice was calm now. “They explode and the light travels all the way here. That's why they twinkle."
"I think I learned about it in a science class before," I whispered.
When I was little, I used to think that each of our lives was tied to a star.”
“Like a bond,” I affirmed.
“Yeah, exactly. Think about it. When we die, our bodies stay, but everything, religion, science, says our souls go somewhere. Heaven, hell, whatever. What if they actually flew into space? To join our star.”
“It sounds like you still believe it,” I smile at him and he returns a grin.
“It makes sense,” he chuckles, “when we die, so does our star. That’s when it starts to glow and it gives you this.” Jacob wipes the view with his hand.
“That’s a beautiful way to look at death,” I reply quietly, fighting all the sentiments back once again.
“I’d rather believe that the people who leave us aren’t truly gone… because they’re in the stars,” as soon as he said that, I swear I saw a star glimmer in the night sky. And I smiled.
